A relatively healthy dose of humiliation

Today I downloaded an astrology app and among other things, it says that I need to cultivate attention to finding ideals and inner life. It took me aback because I have also thought of myself as an idealistic person. I am also not one to ignore my inner life. You may say that I shouldn’t trust a random mobile app. Somehow it kept me thinking. What if, – What if I am not who I think that I am?

To be completely honest, I don’t know what I want, most of the time. I have hobbies that can enrich one’s inner life such as reading and writing, but I don’t do it as often as I’d like to. I can’t meditate, my mind would wander and time seems to be slipping away with my sanity ensuite. I stopped talking to myself like I used to. As time goes by, I slowly lost touch of my inner voice. Yet I find daily affirmations or gratitude practice cringeworthy. As if my self-denial is not vain enough.

The app says that despite “my feigning ignorance to the contrary, I suffered regular infusions of change, which I found very disturbing”. It sounds like I’m allergic to life. What kind of person that refuses novelty? A very conservative person. The kind of person that I despise. Me. Now, I either have the choice to work on reverting this trait, or I have to accept it as a valid part of me.

I wonder to what extent is self-criticism constructive, and when it becomes destructive.

For now, I need to work more consistently on my inner life. I need to fill the void.

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