Vulnerable

I decide that I will dedicate this post to myself. Mostly because I am in all of the photos.
Also because after all, this is my blog and these are my unhidden thoughts.

This will be a tribute to my 20-year-old self. Young face, old soul, selfishly living my life.

I cannot say that I have been through a lot, simply because you cannot just make that kind of comparison. Everyone has a different journey. I have been through quite a few things, that have had tremendous impact on my personality and my life perspectives.

If we go through the years:

My first year must have been rough, though I do not have a single memory of it. Let’s call it a blessing – the privilege of oblivion.
My early years must have been nice. In my limited memory, there are beautiful moments of childhood.
My later years, going to school for the first time, changing schools, great friends, exams, traveling with my family every year, places I have been to, foods I have tried, photos I have taken, books I have read, instruments I have learned then quit, songs whose words I have learned by heart, troubles I have caught, boys I have secretly liked, weight I have gained then lost, pills I have taken, trips to the hospital, and and and. All the small things that made up the largest chunk of my life. If you ask, I would say that I have lived through wonderful years.
After that come the harder years. Leaving the “safe nest” and getting out there to the big world. Defining my personality, finding my “style”. Thirst for knowledge, admiration and validation. Wanting to leave a mark. At some point I had felt like a new person each day as I woke up. During the span of 2 years, I have completely reinvented myself.

However, I am not sure if I like the result. Let’s clarify here that I am proud of the process. In fact, I am still a work in progress. Everyone is. In German there is a beautiful word – “Zwischenergebnis” (meaning: interim result/between result) – to describe the result you get at a certain point along the way, which is different to “Endergebnis” (meaning: final result). We all have the same “Endergebnis”: death. But our “Zwischenergebnisse” are no where near similar to each other.

I guess what I am trying to do here, is to sum up a rough “Zwischenergebnis” of my short 20 years on Earth. I have had people telling me that I am the ideal of many parents and the role model of some younger kids. I have had people telling me that I have potentials, am capable, and that I will succeed. I have had people telling me that I will achieve anything I put my mind to.

They are not wrong, but they aren’t right either. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and vice versa. My precious possessions get in the way all the time. My mind is a dark labyrinth and I am the hopeless traveler. During daytime, I am the happy traveler who takes jealous-worthy photos and writes a well-written blog. During nighttime, I am the kidnapped victim forced to take a roller-coaster ride, whose cry escaped the mouth but no one is around to listen. That is a metaphor for the two sides of me – the extrovert who dominates most of the time, and the introvert who only appears when I am alone.

I am trying to come to terms with my traits. Somewhere along the way, I realised that I was too deep into myself that I have become selfish. I demand too much attention and have too many needs. This is bad and good, I tell myself. It’s okay to love myself, as long as I do not hurt others. So I am finding the balance.

I hereby give myself a 80% satisfying “Zwischenergebnis”.
The missing 20% has been fed be to the monster in my head. I will fight it.

I don’t know where I will be, physically and mentally, in the next days, weeks, months and years.


All photos taken by my Dad with Canon AE-1 Program x Agfa Color 400

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